My first Christmas, the fifth month in the United States was the loneliest day of my life. I woke up
around 8 and it was snowing heavily outside. Don’t get me wrong, I loved when
it snowed and was already used to the cold. I guess it was because I was used
to waking up to bright sunlight and family chatter on Christmas mornings. But
this morning was deathly quiet and the snow was no longer beautiful but dreary
and lonesome. I had come to visit my friends in Portland but they are not
Christians and so there was no Christmas music or a Christmas tree or anything
Christmassy. And I was ok with that, but I missed the Christmas hullabaloo that
we always had back home. So I decided to cheer myself up by calling my mum in
Kenya. Luckily, I had bought an international calling card the day before.
Krrrrrriiiiiiing!!!!
Krrrrriiiiiiiing!!!!
No one was picking! Did these
people know that I was being charged whether they picked or not?
I tried again.
This time mum picked.
Mum: Herro! My heart jumped in excitement! My mummy! How I had longed to
hear her shrub Herro!
Me: Hi mum! I was tempted to ask why she had taken FOREVER (a minute is
usually forever when you are calling from the US) but I decided to let it pass
so as to save myself more minutes for a meaningful conversation. How are you? How is everyone?
Mum: My dearest daughter! (My being two oceans away had suddenly
elevated me to a higher level. I was now dearer than her other two daughters. :) Please note that when I came back to Kenya my level went back to normal and we
were all the same) Sorry I was busy with
the cows! We are all very fine.
Me: Good to hear. Nooooo! All very fine? I wanted everybody to be
miserable because I wasn’t there! I was the glue that held the Kiunga’s
together! I could hear my sisters and brothers laughing in the background.
Mum: How are you?
Me: uhmmm…I am very fine. (Trying to sound cheerful)
Mum: Oiii mwana wakwa (O my child) Are
you homesick? You miss home?
Now, I am usually not one to cry
ovyo ovyo (just like that). But when your mother says oiii mwana wakwa, you cannot help it. I could barely talk for a big
lump was in my throat. I nodded a yes and I guess my mum ‘saw’ it for she went
on to console me by telling me that they missed me and it wasn’t going to be
the same Christmas without me.
Mum: In fact,tutiui nu ukuruga shafashi (in fact we don’t know who will
make Chapati for us).
This cracked me up. And my heart
got lighter. However, as soon as I put the phone down, loneliness came back
like a flood. When my hosts woke up, they invited me for early dinner in town,
but I declined. I didn’t want to affect them with my negative vibes. It had
stopped snowing so I took a walk around the block to clear my head. This was a
good idea for I came back in higher spirits. For the rest of the day, I ate
cheese and crackers, watched movies and read Khaled Hosseini’s “A Thousand Splendid Suns.
Later, I learnt that I wasn't alone. Most people
in the diaspora struggle with being so far away from home. If you do, you dont have let loneliness get you down. . Here are a few tips
to help you curb feelings of isolation.
- Keep yourself occupied
Read books, listen to music, watch movies. This really
worked for me.
- Find others like yourself
Join diaspora clubs. If you are a
student, look for other international students to hang around with. When I
lived in the US, my best friends were from all over: Venezuela, Ukraine,
Nigeria, Zimbabwe, Malawi, Uganda, Germany, France, Japan, Jamaica, Nepal etc.
I enjoyed learning about new cultures, foods (especially). I also added value
to the friendships by sharing my Kenyan-ness with others.
However, think it through before
you join any groups or clubs. When you’re lonely the idea of belonging somewhere
is more attractive. Cults and gangs often target lonely people, knowing they
might be vulnerable. You can also look
for virtual ways to connect with other immigrants. But while online communities
can be a great social outlet, don’t become over-reliant on them. It’s important
to make sure you balance your social life and make the effort to talk to people
in person. Also, people tend to portray (especially on Facebook and twitter)
how well they are doing. They might seem to have more money, friends and fun
than you and this may feed on your feelings of inadequacy. Remember
people project the best of themselves so try not to get sucked into a spiral of
envy looking at other people’s photos and posts.
- Boost your self-esteem
A lack of confidence can hold you back in
social situations. Meeting new people can be stressful when you don’t feel good
about yourself. That first Christmas when I had been terribly lonely, my new
boyfriend had invited me to their home but I declined. I felt it was too soon
to expose my foreign-ness to their white family. I had never had issues with
self-confidence but for some reason I felt that I would be the only different
person in that family and I wouldn’t fit in with the gift-giving, haiku-reciting
and the brunch in PJs. Later, I was able to work on my foreign-ness issues and
actually spent the rest of the Christmases with them. I realized that they
enjoyed my stories about Kenya (embellished of course). So think of one thing
about yourself that others appreciate, and build on that.
- Explore your interests
Anytime I was lonely, I wrote
poetry or short stories. I realized that writing always lifted my spirits.
Baking too—which is not so good for my weight.
But oh well, it makes me happy. So find a hobby, something you enjoy
doing.
- Enjoy your own company
It might feel weird at first if
you’re used to being surrounded by other people. But spending time alone can be
really liberating. The freedom to be alone with your thoughts can be a great
way of winding down.
- Try not to worry
Feelings of
loneliness are usually temporary. Accept your feelings and remember you’ll
probably feel better after a while. If you’re lonely because you’re homesick,
think about the point in the future when you’ll be reunited with your friends
and family Also try to enjoy whatever new experiences you’re having away from
home.
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