Most of my friends have been
pushing me to write on interracial relationships. I have been quite hesitant to put my
life out there for public scrutiny. Two reasons why I caved in: One, I have seen
most Kenyan girls get it all wrong with their white boyfriends. Two, after reading
Chimamanda’s ‘Americana’, I realized that Ifem’s relationship with her white boyfriend
mirrored my relationship with Mark* (not his real name). And maybe I can help
someone.
But before I continue: some
disclaimers:
- Mark and I are no longer in a relationship. Long distance challenges and all. That is a topic for another day.
- My tips are just tips. Feel free to disregard them.
Here they are:
- Be yourself! I see Kenyan women who are dating white men trying desperately to look and sound American/British/Canadian/German. They put on those long weaves and try to speak in the guy’s accent. Some even bleach their skin. You are getting it all wrong. The man most likely fell in love with who you are. Your ethnic hair, your ebony skin and your Kenyan accent. When I first met Mark in Lewiston, Maine I had cute and neat corn rows. I was busy telling my American friends (with my Kenyan accent) a much embellished version of the baboon story below.http://thetrainblogger.blogspot.com/2011/01/baboon-story.html
Anyway, when I later asked Mark
what attracted him, he said:
Everything about you was exotic. You were
not trying to be American. I loved your hair, your accent, and your free spirit.
You were different from all the Kenyans I had interacted with in college.
Awwww. But a few months later,
I was tired of maintaining my exotic look. I looked for a hair salon and
retouched my hair. When I met Mark for dinner, my hair was long and sleek. I
waited to hear these words: Honey you hair looks beautiful! Nah, his eyes were
fixed on the menu. I decided to force the words out of him.
Me: I went to the hair salon.
He looked up and examined my hair
with his lovely blue eyes for just a split second.
Mark: O yeah, it looks good.
Me: (Exasperated) Good? Just good? I spent 90 bucks (9 bags of cement) to
have my hair done and all you say is good?
Mark: (Very calmly.) He was always calm! Ninety bucks huh? Sorry honey, your
hair looks good and am ok with it, but I like your African hair better. I think
it is fiery and sexy.
Me: But I can’t maintain that look
here in the US. It is expensive. Plus I don’t have anyone to braid it. I would
have to go all the way to Boston.
Mark: Relax, I don’t mean that you should braid it
all the time. I understand that once in a while you have to wear it sleek and
shiny, but I just want you to know I love you. The African you.
So Kenyan women, stop trying too
hard. Be you
2. Tips on challenges
Here are some of the challenges
that people in interracial relationships encounter
- Cultural differences:
A
friend from Togo once told me: race is not the issue, cultural differences are:
Different histories, philosophies, traditions, attitudes
and world views. The greater the differences, the higher the chances for potential
conflict. Shun comparisons that will leave one culture looking less important
than the other. Appreciate your differences and be intentional about sharing
the foods, music, holidays and traditions you’ve grown up with.
On
our first date, Mark took me to the woods for bird watching. BIRD WATCHING! I
was so tempted to tell him that it wasn’t on my to-do-on-a-date list. My Kenyan
ex-dates had usually taken me to Westie for mutuura, or to nyama choma (barbecue)
joints. Or to an expensive restaurant. And here I was, following ONE bird with
a pair of binoculars. I was tempted to tell him that I grew up with birds around
our homestead, that they woke me up with a thousand songs in the morning, and
they were the last thing I heard when I closed my eyes at night. And that
sometime it was annoying when I wanted to sleep in. But I decided to just let
him be. Later, I grew to enjoy apple and strawberry picking, he even took me
to a maple tree farm where they make sweets and cakes out of maple syrup. We
also looked for things we both enjoyed such as visiting museums and historic
places, trying out different foods etc.
I
sometimes wish I could take my current boyfriend to watch birds. I miss it. But
I am ok with tumbukiza joints and restaurants.
So be open-minded. Learning about another culture will help
you see the world in new ways. Other challenges include:
- Rejection by the partner’s family. Although it didn’t happen to me, it is common in most interracial relationships.
- Being stared at, people shaking their heads as you walk by or enter a restaurant. Happened to me once. We were on our way to a cabin up North of Maine. There are no black faces up there so when we stopped to fuel the car, people kept staring. He noticed my discomfort and kissed me in defiance.
- Not being acknowledged at a party or a gathering. Fortunately for me, Mark’s friends and family always treated me like I was one of them. A friend of mine though was completely ignored once at a party where everybody was white. Only the boyfriend acknowledged her. They finally left even before the party was over. I don't have great advice on how to deal with challenges, but it is important to know them.
3.
Meeting the parents/family
Just like in any other relationship, this can be an
intimidating experience. Even when meeting the most accepting of families. I
met Mark’s family on his birthday. While his father and brother were careful
not to say anything awkward, his mother was shooting one question after
another. After a few minutes I felt like it was an interrogation! Luckily, Mark
rescued me and whisked me away. I was infuriated so much by the questions that
I didn’t talk to Mark as he dropped me home that evening.
Mark: Honey, did my mother annoy you with many
questions?
Me: (vehemently)
She hates me!
Mark: I don’t think so. She is always like that…
Me: Then my goose is cooked.
Mark: (laughs) No. She really is a nice person. But
I will talk to her. Will that make you happy? Puts his best smile:
Me: Ok.
Well, she turned out to be a nice person, with less
awkward questions and I got to love her. So be strong and let the family see
the awesome, funny, intelligent person that you are. Don’t kiss ass though, it
will put them off.
4.
Dealing with skeptics
I see how people look at girls dating people of
other races with skepticism: They will
not last, he is going to dump her for a paler skinned woman, she is in it for
money, she is too old for him, he is too old for her, he is too pale for her,
they may get married but will be divorced in a year….
Yes, there are girls who just want to date a white
dude for show or for his money, even if he is 70 something years old. But there
are women and men out there in genuine, loving relationships. If you are one of
them, dismiss the skeptics. Show them that there can be beautiful, healthy,
thriving interracial relationships. Be happy no matter what people are saying.
Maybe when see that you both are truly happy, they will warm to it.
