Be Wise How you Use Facebook

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine emailed me her resume to edit before she sent it to a prospective employer – I usually consult on that for free. I met her at the Java over coffee to discuss the resume and other job searching issues.

Now, over the years I have become brutally honest, I guess it comes with age. I no longer beat around the bush unless am dealing with a fragile person or issue. It is very liberating. So here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Your resume is impressive! The grammar is excellent and you articulate your core professional strengths very concisely. You just need to change your format to make it look more ‘serious’. However…I paused for emphasis…your chances of getting a job with an NGO are slim. Many HR managers will NOT hire you.

She was shocked.

My shocked friend: What? Why? You just said that my resume is impressive?

Me: Because of your facebook! Your profile pic is you in a party, scantily dressed, with a dude holding your hips. Your facebook statuses are usually about you having fun at this club or the other. How is an employer to take you seriously?

You are wondering what her facebook has got to do with anything. Guess what? HR managers and prospective employers nowadays look at your social networking sites. They ‘learn’ a lot about you from them. While most sites allow their users to control who sees the things they've posted, such limitations are often forgotten, can be difficult to control or don't work as well as advertised.

I am not implying that employers don’t want you to have fun (ok, some don’t), but they want to trust that you can also uphold the name of the company/organization.

While social networking sites like Facebook, twitter, MySpace etc. allow you to find and connect with just about anyone, one needs to be careful about their downside. I am not going to explore all of the disadvantages but here are two tips:

• Be careful what you post. It does show who you are and people are going to judge you on it. Don’t expose your folly. A single mistake such as a racy picture, an immature status or a poorly thought-out comment can cause irreparable harm to your reputation. Avoid airing your dirty linen in public. Look at this status:

 “Smh why do people have to talk about me behind my back SAY IT TO MY FACE.”

Rolling my eyes! Why do you need to post it all over Facebook? This is clearly directed at someone in particular. Talk to them. This is a waste of my news feed.

Or this one:

"My sweetheart, I miss you soooo much. I want to hold your hand and sleep in your arms. Come to me soon. @boyfriend"

Who cares? Just inbox her!

Or this one

 “Days like these make me so depressed”

You obviously want people to ask what’s going on. About 2% of your Facebook friends will die from curiosity and cave in to ask what’s up, but the other 98% of us know you’re being intentionally vague for attention. It’s annoying. Stop.

• Don’t compare or compete. People tend to portray (especially on Facebook and twitter) how well they are doing. They might seem to have more money, friends and fun than you and this may feed on your feelings of inadequacy. . A recent study proved that one in three people felt worse ("lonely, frustrated or angry") after spending time on Facebook, often due to perceived inadequacies when comparing themselves to friends. Remember people project the best of themselves so try not to get sucked into a spiral of envy looking at other people’s photos and posts.

I am usually very careful on what I post on social media. Before I write a status or post a comment, I think it through: does it expose my private life, is it mature, is it racial, tribal or chauvinistic. Will it be hurtful? Is it wise? Is it a show-off? If it is a joke, is it appropriate? 

I hope you will be wiser. 

Diary of an African Woman in the US: Loneliness on the First Christmas

My first Christmas, the fifth month in the United States was the loneliest day of my life. I woke up around 8 and it was snowing heavily outside. Don’t get me wrong, I loved when it snowed and was already used to the cold. I guess it was because I was used to waking up to bright sunlight and family chatter on Christmas mornings. But this morning was deathly quiet and the snow was no longer beautiful but dreary and lonesome. I had come to visit my friends in Portland but they are not Christians and so there was no Christmas music or a Christmas tree or anything Christmassy. And I was ok with that, but I missed the Christmas hullabaloo that we always had back home. So I decided to cheer myself up by calling my mum in Kenya. Luckily, I had bought an international calling card the day before.

Krrrrrriiiiiiing!!!!

Krrrrriiiiiiiing!!!!

No one was picking! Did these people know that I was being charged whether they picked or not?

I tried again.

This time mum picked.

Mum: Herro! My heart jumped in excitement! My mummy! How I had longed to hear her shrub Herro!

Me: Hi mum! I was tempted to ask why she had taken FOREVER (a minute is usually forever when you are calling from the US) but I decided to let it pass so as to save myself more minutes for a meaningful conversation. How are you? How is everyone?

Mum: My dearest daughter! (My being two oceans away had suddenly elevated me to a higher level. I was now dearer than her other two daughters. :)  Please note that when I came back to Kenya my level went back to normal and we were all the same) Sorry I was busy with the cows! We are all very fine.

Me: Good to hear. Nooooo! All very fine? I wanted everybody to be miserable because I wasn’t there! I was the glue that held the Kiunga’s together! I could hear my sisters and brothers laughing in the background.

Mum: How are you?

Me: uhmmm…I am very fine. (Trying to sound cheerful)

Mum: Oiii mwana wakwa (O my child) Are you homesick? You miss home?

Now, I am usually not one to cry ovyo ovyo (just like that). But when your mother says oiii mwana wakwa, you cannot help it. I could barely talk for a big lump was in my throat. I nodded a yes and I guess my mum ‘saw’ it for she went on to console me by telling me that they missed me and it wasn’t going to be the same Christmas without me.

Mum: In fact,tutiui nu ukuruga shafashi (in fact we don’t know who will make Chapati for us).

This cracked me up. And my heart got lighter. However, as soon as I put the phone down, loneliness came back like a flood. When my hosts woke up, they invited me for early dinner in town, but I declined. I didn’t want to affect them with my negative vibes. It had stopped snowing so I took a walk around the block to clear my head. This was a good idea for I came back in higher spirits. For the rest of the day, I ate cheese and crackers, watched movies and read Khaled Hosseini’s “A Thousand Splendid Suns.

Later, I learnt that I wasn't alone. Most people in the diaspora struggle with being so far away from home. If you do, you dont have let loneliness get you down. . Here are a few tips to help you curb feelings of isolation.

• Keep yourself occupied

Read books, listen to music, watch movies. This really worked for me.

• Find others like yourself

Join diaspora clubs. If you are a student, look for other international students to hang around with. When I lived in the US, my best friends were from all over: Venezuela, Ukraine, Nigeria, Zimbabwe, Malawi, Uganda, Germany, France, Japan, Jamaica, Nepal etc. I enjoyed learning about new cultures, foods (especially). I also added value to the friendships by sharing my Kenyan-ness with others.

However, think it through before you join any groups or clubs. When you’re lonely the idea of belonging somewhere is more attractive. Cults and gangs often target lonely people, knowing they might be vulnerable.  You can also look for virtual ways to connect with other immigrants. But while online communities can be a great social outlet, don’t become over-reliant on them. It’s important to make sure you balance your social life and make the effort to talk to people in person. Also, people tend to portray (especially on Facebook and twitter) how well they are doing. They might seem to have more money, friends and fun than you and this may feed on your feelings of inadequacy. Remember people project the best of themselves so try not to get sucked into a spiral of envy looking at other people’s photos and posts.

• Boost your self-esteem

A lack of confidence can hold you back in social situations. Meeting new people can be stressful when you don’t feel good about yourself. That first Christmas when I had been terribly lonely, my new boyfriend had invited me to their home but I declined. I felt it was too soon to expose my foreign-ness to their white family. I had never had issues with self-confidence but for some reason I felt that I would be the only different person in that family and I wouldn’t fit in with the gift-giving, haiku-reciting and the brunch in PJs. Later, I was able to work on my foreign-ness issues and actually spent the rest of the Christmases with them. I realized that they enjoyed my stories about Kenya (embellished of course). So think of one thing about yourself that others appreciate, and build on that.

• Explore your interests

Anytime I was lonely, I wrote poetry or short stories. I realized that writing always lifted my spirits. Baking too—which is not so good for my weight.  But oh well, it makes me happy. So find a hobby, something you enjoy doing.

• Enjoy your own company

It might feel weird at first if you’re used to being surrounded by other people. But spending time alone can be really liberating. The freedom to be alone with your thoughts can be a great way of winding down.

• Try not to worry

Feelings of loneliness are usually temporary. Accept your feelings and remember you’ll probably feel better after a while. If you’re lonely because you’re homesick, think about the point in the future when you’ll be reunited with your friends and family Also try to enjoy whatever new experiences you’re having away from home.